Monday, October 4, 2010

AIDS Impacts

AIDS Impacts

AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is a disease that has killed many people around the world. It is caused by HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) which is commonly spread by sexual activity and consuming drugs in wrong ways. Therefore, the victims of AIDS are usually ignored by communities. There are at least two dangers of HIV/ AIDS as I will illustrate below.

The first danger of HIV/ AIDS is HIV appearance is difficult to be identified in human body, therefore; the victims cannot realize if they have been already attacked by HIV. Then, in the following two years, they will be in AIDS disease. AIDS breaks the victims’ immune system, which is why they are easy to get ill. When they get illness, the illness will be difficult to be recovered. For example; if they do not have a good protection in bad weather and then they get cold, they will need some months to be recovered, while cold can be normally recovered in some weeks.

The second danger of HIV is in social life of the victims. The spreading of HIV is commonly caused by sexual activity and consuming drugs in wrong ways. Exchanging sex couples and using injection for consuming drugs without sterilization are the main factors how HIV spreads. Therefore; the victims of HIV/ AIDS are usually ignored by communities. People think that the victims of HIV/ AIDS are cursed by the things that they have done. In other case, people will not want to have a contact with the victims, for they are afraid that the virus will spread to them. These things, of course, will bother the physical condition of HIV/ AIDS victims.

The danger of HIV/ AIDS is not only about how its virus attacks our body and how AIDS disease breaks human immunity, but also about how HIV/ AIDS attack our social life. When we have already known about HIV/ AIDS, hopefully we can prevent ourselves from HIV/ AIDS and we can understand how to behave to HIV/ AIDS victims.


7 comments:

  1. Annisa,

    you have made some improvement on your essay. Your thesis, topic sentences and supporting sentences are much better than the one you submitted. Good work.

    Please mind your grammar, however. Practice more

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think you need to add more information about your topic so the readers can understand your essay at all. There are a lot of information that you can add there. Besides, please be careful with your punctuation because some of them are placed in inappropriate place.
    Over all, I love your essay and keep fighting !! :))

    ReplyDelete
  3. hi pal,
    I've read this one and the first thing that impresses me is how brief and punctual you've written it :)

    First of all, I believe that the appropriate term for "somebody who suffers from a certain disease" is sufferer, not victim. "Victim" refers to someone who is injured/wounded by an accident or a crime, not an illness.

    Secondly, pay attention to these:
    * ....which is commonly spread by sexual activity and consuming drugs in wrong ways (par.1) --- I feel this is "too Bahasa Indonesia". what about converting it into "....which is commonly spread by sexual activity and DRUG ABUSE" therefore you will sense "more English" there.

    *...When they get illness (par.2) --- I think it should be "when they get ill"

    * "they will need some months to be recovered" --- becomes "it will take some months to be recovered"

    * "People think that the victims of HIV/ AIDS (are cursed by the things that they have done)" Are you really convinced that you can be cursed by things you've done? I think you ought to convert it into "...FOR/BECAUSE OF the things they have done"

    - get more sources, pal, so you can give more elaboration.

    hmm... that's it. good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. First, pay attention to the mechanics. For example, you should put period before 'therefore'(2nd paragraph) and also put comma after 'therefore'.

    Second, still about mechanics, please learn more on the use of comma and semicolon. I think you are better to put comma after 'for example'(2nd par.) rather than semicolon.

    The last, I think the conclusion does not really match with your thesis statement for in the TS you mention that there are two things but in your conclusion I find three.

    All in all your essay is interesting.
    Keep trying ..^^

    ReplyDelete
  5. thx for the comments. i can learn more and ill try to omit my habit in using too indonesian language

    ReplyDelete
  6. look up your grammatical errors aci :*

    ReplyDelete
  7. hey mengong!help me to fix me :( i mean..fix it :D

    ReplyDelete